I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
