I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
