Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
3 2 1 whiskey
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
