If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
