My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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