I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just wanna soil my oats bro
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
