Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
