I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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