I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
