Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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