the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
