I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
