I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
