i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Let's get the cat blown out
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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