DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
