if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
