I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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