got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
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answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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