i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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