3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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