I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
