I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
