My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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