I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
