i just wanna soil my oats bro
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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