Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Randomize
