I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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