I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
