So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
There's always time for handjobs
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
