Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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