I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
