So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
