wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
and she was petting her beer can
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
