somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
