he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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