Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
