I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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