he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.