it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
