I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
