my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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