Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
