I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
