Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
