She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
