Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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