This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
