Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
