omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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