I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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