I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
