Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
