Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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