Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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