its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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