just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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