i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
