I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wear drunk well.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
