Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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